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Slasher's Guide to the LA Club Scene by oulangi

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Feb. 25th, 2004 | 11:25 pm

oulangi wrote this for us last spring, so it's probably a bit out of date. But still, fascinating local color, and I'm sure she'll update.

There are several sub categories, but basically there are the clubs where people go to be seen and places they go NOT to be seen.

The Actress/Model/Whatever (AMW’s) haunt the “seen and discovered" scene. This includes anything on Sunset west of La Cienega, and a few new places centered around Hollywood and Vine like Deep, Joseph’s, Sunset Room, the White Lotus. It is possible to bar hop on foot in this area (who’d have thought walking two blocks on Hollywood at midnight would ever be possible again) Also making a splash is Hollywood Highland, about 10 unwalkable blocks away, but I refuse on principle to review any club located in a fucking shopping mall. A call drink will run you about $10

The NOT seen scene is grittier, includes most of Santa Monica east of La Cieniga and west of Vine. WeHo (West Hollywood) institutions like Spike and 7969 represent the norm; mixed, dirty, and in the case of 7969 fetish / kink. Sin-o-matic and Velvet are long running fetish nights that are fun, sane and safe. This scene is haunted by the ‘actors who want nasty sex’ group – I’ve personally seen Charlie Sheen, Carmen Elektra etc. A call drink will run you about $6

Then you have boys town. Santa Monica west of La Cieniga, also in WeHo. Most of the clubs on Santa Monica; Rage, Mickeys etc. are not haunted by gay celebs. It’s too risky. Occasionally the closeted ones will hit the Abbey or Here or Ulta Suede – these are all gay clubs deemed ‘safe’ because they are located around the corner on the ‘straight’ street Robertson Blvd, only a block away from Morten’s famous for the annual Vanity Fair party. (god this sounds so silly) About $10 for call

Then there’s the ‘real’ Hollywood scene, just as pretentious as everywhere else, but likes to stick its nose up at ‘pretentious sunset girls’ haunted by bitter skinny gothic AMW’s and famous actors who’d rather be musicians like Keanu Reeves. This is a tricky scene because its scattered pockets litter the map. There are several in the Holly/Vine area like the Burgandy room, the room, beauty bar (a misguided NYC transplant) the Opium den. There are a few in Silverlake, that artsy / gay / gang community east of Hollywood made infamous by Rampart division and where Exene owns her store ‘You’ve got Bad Taste’ (funny, on a personal note I’m probably a bigger Exene fan than Viggo fan. I’ve soooo haunted her store, have X and red aunt albums while I never knew/cared who Viggo was. Hmmm Exene / Miranda slash anyone?) Exene’s store sells all that insane kitch that makes you wonder about the future of western civilization.

All scenes are run by promoters, those in the 'know' follow them from venue to venue.

The hottest ticket used to be private parties in the hills, the ‘hills’ being the mountain range that separates LA from the valley. But recently, either I’m out of the loop or these parties just SUCK, dirty, stupid people, crappy music.

Then there are the 'event' promoters. These guys come out and throw amazing parties for 2 - 5k on holiday weekends. Usually mainly Gay, go all night tweakers etc. The biggest of these (and the biggest in the country) is easter weekend in Palm Springs run by J Sanker. PS is about 2 1/2 hours from LA and looks exactly how Sammy, Frank and Dino left it. Easter weekend somewhere in the range of 30k gay muscle queens arrive and spend the next 5 days in an orgy of sex and drugs and disco. I've seen many celebs there, including an accidental appearance by Newt Gingrich! (He was very supprised)

The rave scene goes hot and cold. For a while there were some insane wharehouse events happening downtown or at Santa Monica Airport. I think Rohipnol pretty much killed this scene, a sad testament to the times.

There is a punk scene, although I don't know that much about it, they don't always bathe  /snark

The drinking age is 21, last call 1:45 am, all liquor off the floor at 1:59am and yes, security will take your drink away from you.

People still do coke in all scenes, X and Viagra is popular, as is -unfortunatly- GHB. This is a real problem because people try to drink on it, and well, GHB and alcohol can cause a lethal reaction. Again something I've seen far too often. No real herion or PCP, the queens and kiddies do Crystal Meth, another huge problem because they then have unprotected sex.

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