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recs tonight & silly stuff from the Great Jon Carroll

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Jul. 8th, 2003 | 09:36 pm
mood: amused

rec: andrealyn just wrote ABC,123 (NC-17), a fabulous sexy Billy/Dom/Orlando threesome that subtly cycles among points of view, using letters of the alphabet to start paragraphs. (And I just got the 123 joke.)

rec: berreh has a funny Billy/Dom trilogy starting with Billy loopy from painkillers: Out of My Head, then Four To Six Hours Later, and ...And Call Me in the Morning (last one rated R-ish) Lovely angsty-schmoopy Dom with a smartass interior monologue and a longing for love. It may have started with a joke as crack!fic, but it certainly ended in a very satisfying way, hot and sweet together.

For shaenie and other fans of The Billeh, a larger-than-life picture, still crisp and clear, at patsie999's journal

From my favorite columnist of all time, and a friend from The Well, the inimitable Jon Carroll:

... All of which is but mere prelude to The Box Office Oracle, a site that lets you create your own movie and instantly see how it did at the box office, its critical response and its Oscar chances. Be a studio executive in the privacy of your own home! Tinker with the fate of movie stars! Lions and tigers and bears!

For my first film project, I decided on "Die Larger," a revenge fantasy about a world-weary spy (Tommy Lee Jones) who decides to murder all those who made fun of him when he was fat. It co-stars Lucy Liu as the CIA agent who still loves him and Samuel L. Jackson as the bounty hunter sworn to stop him, and features Tom Hanks as "Pop" and Julia Roberts as "Tweaky."

I'm not sure how Pop and Tweaky fit into the story yet, but their cameos will be rich with subtext, you can just bet. Sam Raimi would direct; he needs a breakout movie. I figure we can bring this puppy in for under $50 million. I targeted a June release; it's got early summer blockbuster written all over it.

Or does it? Box Office Oracle pegs its opening weekend at $11.68 million and its total domestic gross at just over $86 million. Alas, it has a slim-to- none of chance of winning an Academy Award. What do those people know?

I'm thinking maybe we need a director's-cut DVD that includes every inch of Lucy Liu footage, including the nude scene that had to be cut. (We'll shoot the nude scene when we need it.) I think we can turn a modest profit, particularly with the tobacco company tie-ins.

Sure, I'm opposed to smoking, but business is business.

I decided to think inside the box. I proposed a movie called "Sex, Drugs, Murder" starring Russell Crowe and Jackie Chan, with Halle Berry, Helen Mirren and Kathy Bates in a gripping action chase movie about, well, I'm working on that. Certainly there will be sex; there will be drugs; there will be murder. Ron Howard to helm actioner. Gosh, that's a fun sentence to type.

Uh-oh. I can't sell out even when I try. Total domestic gross of $102 million, which is nothing for a movie that cost $90 million to make. But lookie here: The Washington Post loved it (the very newspaper that panned "Die Larger"!). The film has a 16 percent chance of getting an Academy Award nomination and a 10 percent chance of winning one.

I'm an auteur. Bring me a Gauloise and a pig foot and some gruel for my men.

Jon also writes:

When I wrote last week about the "homosexual agenda," I was unaware that the official agenda had already been issued by the Head Homosexual. It was sent to me by beloved reader Anthony Barcellos. Goes like this:

"6 a.m. Gym.

"8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites).

"9 a.m. Hair appointment.

"10 a.m. Shopping (preferably at Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom).

"11 a.m. Brunch.

"2 p.m. Assume complete control of the federal, state and local governments.

Destroy Christian marriage. Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with militant recruiters for the homosexual lifestyle. Bulldoze all houses of worship or redecorate them as discos. Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media. Be utterly fabulous!

"2:30 p.m. Get 40 winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest; aromatherapy.

"4 p.m. Cocktails.

"6 p.m. Light dinner (soup, salad [arugula with balsamic vinegar dressing], Chardonnay).

"8 p.m. Theater.

"10:30 p.m. Cocktails in a charming neighborhood bistro.

"Midnight. Bed (du jour)."

And to bed for me too, before midnight, amazing. I hope I won't wake up at 5:30 am again.

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Comments {4}

kinda into that Colin Morgan guy

(no subject)

from: rodneyscat
date: Jul. 9th, 2003 03:45 am (UTC)

Thank you for rec'ing berreh's 3 part series. For some reason none of these parts had appeared on my friendslist! I seem to miss out on a lot of entries, very frustrating. I read them this morning (morning for me :D ) and enjoyed them enormously.

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(no subject)

from: msilverstar
date: Jul. 9th, 2003 06:53 am (UTC)

I read part 1 when it came out and thought it was wonderful, and she's done a lovely job of following up.

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from: berreh
date: Jul. 9th, 2003 05:52 am (UTC)

Thank you for the rec, love! That made my morning. Really.

And I loooooove the Sekrit Gay Agenda. Made me laugh out loud. And now I'm off to be utterly fabulous!

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Re: *verklempt*

from: msilverstar
date: Jul. 9th, 2003 06:54 am (UTC)

Well, I begged for more when you wrote the first, and I think you did a great job following up.

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